Beware Cream Buns And Calpol.

Great shows last week kid.
After the Friday show all the girls who work at the cream bun bakery checked their ovens before they went home for the weekend. A bun in the oven can lead to great agitation and loss of production.
Tommy my cat, not to be confused with the weird, hairy thing that lives under my bed, braced himself, looked at me, boked but did not vomit and made this utterance,
"Little Hugo Duncan had an awful fright last night when he got caught in the cat flap as he returned home from a late night gig."
"Well, I'll be a rhinestone cowboy!" I yelled. "How did they extricate the little warbler from the pussy portal?"
"Stick and carrot," said Tommy. "A family member held a Bounty bar six inches from Hugo's nose, while a neighbour pretended to attack Shorty's rear with a chainsaw."
"Ah the old bounty and chainsaw trick," I said. "Many a miner and pot-holer owe their life to that combination."
Tommy tossed a peanut high in the air, caught it with my mouth and said,
"What a rugged, handsome man Noel Thompson has become. Time, has stripped away all callow youth and left him craggy and worn like an old cartwheel left out in the sun."
"I do so agree," I enthused. "Women of a certain age must sit in front of the TV thinking, "I wouldn't mind a go at that craggy cove."
"And the lovely Donna Trainor," said Tommy, "so beautiful, so elegant, so good at keeping her hands of Noel."
I pulled the curtains, placed a black cloth over the mirror and said,
"Deep sadness lies at the heart of Donna Trainor. At the tender age of six months she won a bonny baby contest, ONLY to see it snatched away again."
"How did that happen?" cried Tommy, biting my nails furiously.
"It came about thus!" I cried. "After winning the bonny baby contest, the gurgling Donna was taken away for a drug test."
"OH NO!" cried Tommy.
"OH YES!" I shrieked. "Full as a kite on extra-strong Calpol, the rosette was torn off her bib and she was banned for life from the bonny baby circuit."
"How sad," cried Tommy, how terribly, terribly sad!"
"There is a bright side," I said. "From that day till this, Calpol has never passed the lips of Donna Trainor."
"BRAVO!" yelled Tommy. "Donna Trainor is a veritable role model for young girls everywhere, just like Kerry Katona!!"