ITCHING TO TICKLE

Great shows last week Kid. It is with great sadness that we start the countdown to the return of Mr Coyle. If we are lucky, Coylers may be suffering from acute sunburn of the tongue, jelly fish stings or incurable, Montezuma revenge. If Lady luck is on our side we could hit the jackpot and land the treble. It's a long shot, but did not Dick Turpin say,
"I live in-hope," just before he was dragged out and hanged at Newgate?
I leaped out of the way as Tommy my cat rode into the room on a palomino hobby horse. I do believe to the core of my being, that every cat should have a hobby. Tommy dismounted, adjusted the rigid fork of his sky blue lederhosen and said,
"Today is National Tickle a Politician Day. Shall I prepare the burros for the long trek to Stormont?"
"Do so with immediate effect," I cried. "My fingers are itching to get under the oxters of Edwin Poots. May one ask whom you will be tickling today?"
"One may," said Tommy. "I have set myself a task, which to many, may seem like mission impossible, but today Matthew, I shall be tickling-Michael McGimpsey!"
I recoiled like the spring in a Lee Enfield rifle and cried,
"Tommy, why must you set yourself up for a fall? Michael McGimpsey has never been known to laugh, titter or smile. Why oh why, do you want to tickle Michael McGimpsey?"
"Because he's-THERE!" yelled Tommy. "Sure I could tickle Barry Mcelduff, Sammy Wilson, even old stone face himself, David Ford. But what satisfaction would I get? No! I want to pit myself against the dour, gloomy, creature from the crypt-Michael McGimpsey!"
I looked down at the brave, little, feline soldier. Tommy was never one to go for the easy tickle. Tommy's tickling standards are very high.
"Tommy!" I yelled. "If you pull this off, you will be a hero. You will probably be interviewed by Lynda Byrons on her last day at UTV."
"That's the general idea," said Tommy, with a horrible leer. "And if I play my cards right, I will get hugs, kisses and a big saucer of milk."
Machiavellian, that's what Tommy is.
Machiavellian from the tips of his ears to the point of his tail.
On our way to Stormount, Tommy and I met Tubby Nolan. The fat boy was sporting a black eye and a thick lip. Tubby had only gone and attempted to tickle-Peter Robinson. A big mistake when you think of the annus horribilis that Peter has just had. So be warned fellow ticklers. NEVER tickle a man with a horrible annus!
See you on the dark side of the moon!