CELEBRATIONS AND ANNIVERSARIES.

Great shows last week Kid. As a result of the 11th night bonfire, Tommy my cat and I are sitting with two black faces, coughing up a pitch-black, oily goo that came from burning tyres. Poor Tommy's tail is bandaged from tip to derriere.
I looked at Tommy and said,
"I told you not to stand too close to the bonfire."
"I was pushed!" yelled Tommy. "There I was, minding my own business, drinking a can of Tennents when some schmuck bumped into me and my tail caught fire. Only for Jim Rodgers leaping on me, screaming, "NIGH! NIGH! NIGH!" and rolling me on the ground, my tail could have been gutted."
"What did they say at the hospital?" I asked.
Tommy eased himself up painfully on his chair and said,
"The doctor said I have to take it easy. No swishing my tail about. I have to drink plenty of liquids and in time my tail will heal and I shall play the piano again."
"Thank goodness," I said. "I really enjoy our Saturday night sing song."
"As do I," said Tommy. "But this Saturday night I shall have to play the piano standing up like Jerry Lee Lewis."
"Great balls of fire!" I yelled, as a torrent of black tar gushed out of my mouth, aided and abetted by fierce, inhuman, projectile vomiting.
Tommy touched the tip of his tail cried,
"OUCH!" and said,
"Whom was that giant effigy on top of the bonfire last night?"
I ran the hoover over my face and said,
"That giant effigy was-Steven Nolan."
"WHY?" yelled Tommy. "What did the fat boy do to incur the wrath of the community?"
"Nothing," I said. "The little hoodies gathered two ton of bubble wrap. It seemed a shame to waste it, so they made an effigy of Tubby."
"Very lifelike," said Tommy. "Especially when it popped."
"Indeed," I said. "One could almost see and hear Tubby coming down the Donegall Road firing on all cylinders."
"Will our blackened visages stop us marching on the 12th of July?" said Tommy.
"No way kid," I said. "Jim Rodgers said we can take part in the parade, but we must fly the flag of Ghana."
"I shall do so with pride," said Tommy, as he got up to take our sashes out of the tumble drier. Don't get the wrong idea kid. Tommy and I are non-denominational.
We celebrate the 17th of March, Black Saturday, Passover, Pancake Tuesday, Ramadan and the birth of Shiva. Only last week, Tommy and I celebrated when Castro lit up his one millionth cigar. We shared ten Woodbine and smoked until we puked. If there is a big day going, Tommy and I are there. Are you aware that a very important anniversary is coming up? On Monday the 27th of September it will be ten years since the night you got stuck in the bath. On that night, Tommy and I will fall backwards in precise synchronization into two rented baths and struggle and scream, "All Through The Night!"
If anyone would like to take part, just go to.
www.fallinthebath.com
Oh, how is Mr Coyle behaving himself since he was caught and released for smuggling jelly tots into Columbia? Tell the old lag that Tommy and I are praying to Shiva for him.
Let he who is without sin get a move on, time is running out!