Ciaran's A Good Egg

Great show yesterday kid.
Tommy my cat hit me on the nose with an old Corgi,1960's,red London double-decker bus and said,
"What a lovely lad that Ciaran McMenamin is,so talented,so humble,so handsome and the word in the hood is,he makes a nifty hard boiled egg."
"Ciaran is an all-rounder," I said. "Ciaran is an educated,talented,all singing,all dancing,cosmopolitan actor stroke egg boiler."
Tommy bit his nails and muttered..,
"I hope Ciaran is not related to that premier tube,JP McMenamin."
I gave a shriek and yelled,
"Wash your mouth out with Camay soap! JP McMenamin is not worthy to tie the laces on Ciaran's sky, blue gutties."
"Sky blue gutties?" said Tommy. "Only Ciaran McMenamin could carry that off in Enniskillen!"
"Turn on the TV," I said. "There must be someone cooking,decorating or crying their eyes out on a talk show." Just by luck we came on an America show called, "FAT YANKS".
"Wall to wall blubber," said Tommy."A veritable herd of Tubbies."
The fattest man there was a 900 pound Obesity called, Hank Washington Lincoln Kennedy McSmack. After a strict three day fast Hank had lost half an ounce of lard and his temper. Tommy and I watched in horror as Hank lumbered towards pretty little Lindy Lou the aerobics instructor and sank his teeth into her tanned fleshy thigh. Only for the stun guns,tazers,pepper-spray and bucket of raw pig livers,little Lindy Lou would have been eaten alive! And she was SO purty, golden tan,blonde hair,blue eyes and a pair of you-know-whats, which cost $50,000.
I turned the TV off and sat glumly on my Ikea,flat-pack bull-groper's stool. As the seconds turned to minutes I lost my head and shrieked hysterically,
"Tommy,If I pulled my belly button out,would I fly through the air like a deflated balloon making horrible farting noises?"
Tommy leaped to his feet, picked up the fly swatter and give me a battering which no bluebottle could endure and survive. But he's a good cat. He drove me later to casualty in an old abandoned rusty pram.
"Ambulance not good enough for you two?" said Doctor Crippen.
"NO!" yelled Tommy. "Now get someone to throw this "Thing" on to a trolley."
Three days later I had to walk home. Someone nicked my pram!
Needless to say,suspicion has fallen on Doctor Crippen. A leotard never changes its spots.