THE FELINE WAS FEELING FINE BUT I WAS FEELING KNACKERED

"I'm falling" I screeched," I'm falling!" "No, you're not." gasped Tommy my cat." "Hold on to my hand, I won't let you fall." "I can't go on Tommy!" I shrieked. "I can't go on, I want to turn back."
"You can't turn back now." said Tommy, "y=You're nearly there, just a few more steps."
"It's no good!" I screamed "I'll never make it, oh why did I ever set out on this fool-hardy venture? I must have been mad, mad do you hear me-MAD!""Don't give up now." said Tommy, "Think how proud you'll be when you reach the top." "I'll never reach the top." I roared. "I'll die here and remain here for the rest of my life." "One more effort." cried Tommy. "Come on, you can make it, lift your lovely primrose yellow climbing boot up one more step."
"TOMMY!" I shrieked, "I'm falling, I'm falling." "DON'T look down!" yelled Tommy, "Hold on to my hand, we're almost there." I gritted my teeth, well they do get very slippery with plaque, girded my loins 'till my eyes watered and made one superhuman effort. I made it, I made it! I couldn't believe it. I looked down. What a view, the climb was worth it for the view alone.
I hugged Tommy and sang, "We are the champions." I was giddy with success. I danced, I sang, told a few gags and ended with a dance number. "Tommy," I said, "Tommy, my little Tommykins, I made it, but I would never have made it without you. When I write my bestseller book about this venture, I will give you full credit."
Little Tommy, blushed, hung his head and said, "Ah gee shucks, it was nothing."
"NOTHING?" I yelled, "Tommy, without you I would never have got up here, I would still be at the bottom, looking up."
"Well, you're up here now," said Tommy, "and that's all that matters. You will find the toilet at the end of the landing, if you need any help getting down, call me, I'll be at the foot of the stairs."
I opened the toilet door, looked back at Tommy and said, "I'm going in and I may be gone sometime." I know what some of you are thinking. Why did she do it? Why did she climb the stairs to go to the toilet, when there was a coal bucket sitting by the fire?
Well, I'll tell you, by quoting the words of Sir Edmond Hillary.
I climbed the stairs, because they were--there.
On Monday I was too tired to cook dinner, so I just opened a couple of tins. I think it was slug pellets and engine oil. The doctor never told me when he pumped my stomach and my throat was too sore to ask. That's the kind of person I am. I take chances, I walk on the wild side, I never flush when I use the loo, that's for squares and I am not a square, I am a roundie. Sure I have a gang, we hang out by the post office and shout out to old people after they lift their pension, "Mind crossing the road now and watch out for muggers!"
Then we laugh, flip our cigarettes into a waste bin and go home in a quiet and orderly manner.
No one messes with us and if they do-we run away and tell a policeman.
Sure I have been lifted by the fuzz, but what a girl does at the weekend is her own business and we were all consenting adults. We're mean, we're bad and when we donate blood, we do it with a smirk. We ride round town on highly tuned 50cc mopeds, picking up litter and going, "OOH,AAH,look at him, who's a lovely wee man then?" at babies in pushchairs.
Yeh, you wouldn't want to meet us on a dark night, because we're afraid of the dark and would scream and scream and scream. Sure, our gang has a name, we're called the Samaritans--want to make anything of it punk?
Steven Nolan lay in the long grass, behind the school for people with severe twitches, you can enroll there with a wink and a nod. Steven was gnawing at a side of beef and reading a book. Sprawled across the vast acreage of the fork of his pleated trousers lay all 24 volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannia. "Hey Stevie boy," I simpered, "what you looking for? What you looking for in the big books Tubby?" Steven spat out the femur of a cow and growled,
"I want to see what they have to say about me and the biggest show in the country."
After three weeks of avid reading, Tubby lumbered to his feet and yelled, "Diddly-Squat, there's diddly-squat in these learned tomes about me--or my show."
"Not so fast fat man!" I yelled, "Listen to this, "The Mammoth,biggest in the country, lives on prawn cocktail crisps, drives a Renault Clio and makes a hell of a noise."
"That's me." said Steven. "I must have been looking under the wrong heading. I was looking under-unique." "You're certainly that." I said "But hold on, it also goes on to say that you're-extinct". Steven blushed, which due to the size of his face took 45 minutes and said.
"I know I'm extinct, but I get terrible wind and have to blow off I must carry an air freshener with me." I left then, to go out into the desert and ponder.It was a nice day, but there were very little people in Ballymena. I wonder-why?
Go now to www,rosie-ryan.blogspot.com
And if you want Rosie's letters to Gerry Anderson go to--jpmcmenamin@gmail.com
Turned out nice again, think I'll take my simmet off.