ALLERGIES, ALLEGATIONS, ALLEVIATIONS AND ALLELUIA

It was a lovely Summer morning, a really lovely morning, bright and fresh. It was the kind of morning, you would like to line a drawer with to stop your knickers from turning green from mildew. The house work had to be done , so I spit on my knees and grabbed the bull by the horns. I dragged Rufus the bull to the door and gave him a good riser to send him on his way.
Rufus the bull comes in for the odd chat, but all he does is sit dozing in the corner, a bulldozer if I ever saw one. I was hoovering up dirt with my mouth, when there was the most almighty-CRASH. The house shook, the ceiling trembled and I was covered in some strange material. I grabbed my coat, a sample of the material and made my way to the, "SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS" laboratory. I sat there, chewing the nails of the man beside me to the quick. He too was covered in stuff and had come to the laboratory to have it analysed. The stuff he was covered in was brown and smelled horribly. Most people would have known what it was immediately, but apparently this man did not, but let's not be critical, he could be from the country or suffering from Do-Lallyness. The doctor came out, pointed at me and said, "See you, you are covered in-dust, so you are!" I was so relieved, I threw my arms up in the air, thank God they came down again. I was so thankful, I bent down, put my ear to the man beside me and told him what he was covered in.He leapt up and yelled, "I knew it, but Poppy my wife said it was French mustard!"
Four hours later, I got back home and began an investigation right away. "TOMMY" I yelled, "Put down what you're doing and get down here right away!"
For the second time today, there was the most almighty-CRASH. The house shook, the ceiling trembled and I was covered in, what I now know to be dust. Tommy my cat came into the room, chewing chewing gum and strumming on a small banjo. "Tommy!" I yelled "Are you the instigator behind the two almighty crashes here today?" Tommy, gave a strum, blew a bubble and said--"Yup." "TOMMY!" I yelled, "What did you do? How did you instigate two almighty-crashes?" "I was up in the attic," said Tommy "looking for mice, or indeed-mouse, which as you know, is the singular of-mice, any way, I noticed the roof was a bit lop-sided, so I lifted the roof with one paw and tried to slide a book under it with the other, but, unfortunately, as you know, the roof slipped twice. It's really a two man job." I looked at Tommy with love, devotion and my eyes and ran to hug the adorable feline. Tommy began to sneeze and said, "That's it, I've been sneezing all week, I'm off to the vet, where did I leave my flat cap?"
It was late when Tommy got home and oh he did look queer. I began to fear that he had the snip, that dare not speak its name. "Tommy!" I yelled, "What's wrong lad? Eeh, you look proper down, sit down chuck and tell me what ails thee." Tommy fiddled with his thumbs, most people use a bow and said, "The vet said, I've got an--allergy." I ran to foot of our stairs, came back and yelled, "Nay lad, Nay, Nay,Nay, thee ain't got an allergy, I know an allergy when I see one and thee ain't got an allergy, thee might be allergic to something, but thee ain't got an allergy. Nay lad, Nay." Tommy sniffed, sneezed and said, "Yes, I am allergic to something. I'm allergic to--you." "Bloody Nora!" I yelled, as I ran to the foot of our stairs again. "Can nought be done?" I yelled, "Can nought be done? Is medical science baffled? Get a second opinion, then a third and a forth and a fifth." "There is a cure," said Tommy "but it involves-you."
"Anything!" I yelled, "I'll give you a kidney, a lung, an arm, a leg, the sash my father wore, just tell me what I've got to do." Tommy looked at me and said, "If you love me--really love me, you must bathe each morning and night in buttermilk, fish heads, soiled nappies and this brown stuff. He gave me a big box full, I have to stir three spoonfuls into your bath. There's no label on the box, I wonder what it is?" I knew what it was, the aroma coming from the box, brought back memories of the man at the laboratory covered in brown stuff.
Well, I did it. I bath twice a day in the foul smelling liquid, because I love little Tommy and touch wood, little Tommy hasn't sneezed once.
"Hey Toots!" yelled Steven "Tubby" Nolan, as he ate his way out of a buffalo, "What's that bewitching perfume you are wearing tonight my little chick-a-dee?"
I smiled, by pulling my lips back and replied, "It's called, Sexy Kitty.". "I like it," said the oval one. "Give me a big sniff up my hooter. Ah, yes, now that's what I call a perfume. It floats my boat, if you know what I mean." "Your boat will never float." I yelled "Your boat is the--Titanic and lies in the depths of the see." Then I skipped home to little Tommy, pursued by dogs, led by a Spaniel called--Noel Thompson.
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