A QUICK FLASH FROM WOMAN WITH CAT

What a great show Gerry Anderson put on today! It was a show full of pathos,piety,poems and Paddies,spoilt only, by Herr Sean Coyle, stamping about like an SS storm trooper, interrupting Gerry, the callers and sometimes-even himself. What are we going to do with the "Thing" that is Sean Coyle?" Shooting's too good for him,I think he should be dragged down an entry and have his arse well kicked and Tommy my cat concurs. I got a good arse kicking when I was a teenager and never again, did I try to topple the elected government of the United Arab Emerites.
"Oh, bye the bye" said Tommy, putting down Jordan's new book entitled. "I Took Them In, I took Them Out And I Shook Them All About", "I have just bought a little top" said Tommy "Will you tell me what you think of it?" "Oh, all right" I moaned, "I hate looking at little tops, I would rather be with Steven Nolan, looking at big bottoms"
Tommy came out of the bedroom and posed seductively by the door jam. He pouted, simpered,wet his lips and stuck out his little pink tongue.
"Well, what do you think?" said Tommy huskily. I glanced at the feline in horror and blurted out. "It's very effete Tommy". Tommy immediately got on his high horse, that was standing patiently in the corner, eating hay sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
"Effete?" screamed Tommy, "how can you say this top is-effete?"
"It's vivid pink you fool" I yelled "And it's got "I'M A BIG GIRL" written on the front."
"And that makes it-effete?" screamed Tommy. "In my book it does" I shouted "and my book is the-Good Book, does it not say in the book of Gunter "Verily, if you see a cat wearing a pink top, burn him at the stake" "Things have moved on" said Tommy "People are more progressive and open-minded, I shall wear this top tonight with my cream slacks and knock peoples' eyes out"
"Listen lad" I cautioned, if you go past a free presbyterian church wearing that top, you'll be strung up and only by the tail if you're lucky. Desist lad" I said, "desist, stop trying to stretch the envelope, now go to your bedroom and put on those lovely primrose, yellow hot pants and the mandrin, orange boob-tube. PHEW, fashion accident averted. WHY, WHY, WHY, do cats have such awful fashion sense?
As I ran through Belfast, with my arms out-stretched, pretending I was a giant corn-crake coming into land, who did I run into but Loggie, the giggling little sports presenter at UTV.
"Greetings, little sportnic" I yelled, "You are from Tyrone are you not?" "I is" giggled Loggie.
"Pray tell me" I said, lying at his feet and looking up the leg of his trousers, "Could you be described as typically-thick?" Loggie ruminated, yes, right there in the street, the naughty, naughty boy and said, "Well, I am thick, but to say, I was typically thick, would be giving me more credit that I deserve". "Spoken like a true son of Tyrone" I said. "How did you escape from Tyrone?" I enquired, "It is a veritable jungle is it not?"
"It is" yelled Loggie, "Bushes, bushes, nothing but--blooming-bushes. I slipped away from the tribe" said Loggie, "during a monkey hunt. For three weeks, I followed a stream, fighting off pigmies, head-hunters and the dreaded wolverine. Then one day, starved and hlaf naked I staggered into a clearing and there was Paul Clarke in a caravan. Paul looked me over, glanced at his wife and said, "He looks like a nice boy." Paul took me in, he and his wife taught me how to eat with a knife and fork and the rest, like Ulster's troubles, is history. Now I live in a house, know how to use the toilet and I never go on monkey hunts, ever again"
"Never?" I said with a smile. "Well, hardly ever" giggled Loggie. "Some times I look at Frank Mitchell and he looks so like a chimp, I grab my bow and arrow and take after him"
Tyrone people typically thick? nonsense, not with people like Loggie and Jimmy Cricket around.