BREAKING NEWS FROM WOMAN WITH CAT

After another great Gerry Anderson show, in which old Jordie taught us yet ANOTHER novel use for jeyes fluid, who would have thought that a mixture of jeyes fluid and urine would keep ant eaters away from your mother's sisters? "Old Jordie" said Tommy my cat "The salt of the earth". "Yes" I warbled "Yon country yokel is a veritable mushroom, he sprang from dung in a darkened cellar".
For the next hour or two, Tommy and I sat shooting the breeze, with two yellow blunderbusses we bought on Ebay. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, Tommy and I looked at each other in amazement and profuse confusion. Tommy looked at me with trembling lip and whispered, "You know that wooden thing, that covers the entrance between the bricks?" I gulped and replied "Yes, I am aware of such a structure". "Well" whispered Tommy "Someone has only gone and knocked on it". I blanched, recoiled,shook and shuddered, "WHY?" I yelled "Why would someone, knock at our door?" "I don't know" said Tommy "but I know a man who does" and he picked up the immobile phone and called Boris Johnson the new Mayor of London and surrounding districts. I only heard one side of the conversation, Tommy stood with hand on hip saying, "Yes, yes, I know, yes, ah-ha, yes, I know,all right,thank you my blonde, buxom beauty". "What did he say?" I yelled "What did the blonde bomb shell say?"
Tommy moistened his lips with a mixture of jeyes fluid and urine and and stuttered, "Boris said, we should--open the door?". In the silence that followed, I could hear a butterfly flutter its wings in the rain forests of Brazil.
"Open the door?" I mused "What does that mean? open the-door" Suddenly it hit me like a thing that hits you "Tommy" I yelled "The door must-open". "It can not be" yelled Tommy "Who ever heard of a door that--opens?" "What a fool I've been" I shrieked "There was me, crawling in and out of the window, not knowing that the door--opens" "You know what we must do now" said Tommy "We must-open the door. Tommy and I ran for two screwdrivers and in five minutes, we had the door-open.
Jim Rodgers stood there, resplendent in mayoral robes and a lovely pair of cactus green gutties.
Jim opened his first citizen mouth and bagan to scream.
"Here's a wee beg for your dog poo-NIGH" I looked at Tommy and said "What did he say Tommy? Tommy hid a smile, by pushing it down behind the sofa and replied.
"He said, here's a wee bag for your dog poo-now" "Well, why didn't he say that?" I yelled
"How am I to know what-begs and-nigh is, for God's sake, I've only learned how to open a door"
"NIGH_NIGH_NIGH" screamed Jim, "Don't be going making a cod of an elected official. "I have to give out these wee begs and I have to give them out-NIGH"
Tommy and I took the wee begs-sorry-bags and invited Jim in for a cup of tea and a game of strip poker. My luck was in, before the night was over, I saw the royal seal of office and more, much, much,more. Poor Jim, staggered home with a wee beg hiding his minute sceptre.
When he had gone, Tommy and I brewed up a big batch of jeyes fluid and urine, it was Tommy's turn to donate, he hates that, it leaves him with a wet tail but al least our aunts are safe from ant eaters. And you know, at the end of the day, taking everything into consideration, that's all that really matters.