Something Will Have To Be Done About Wee Frank.

GREAT SHOWS LAST WEEK KID. GREAT SHOWS WHICH LARGELY WENT UNNOTICED AT
UTV. PAUL CLARKE AND PAMELA BALLENTINE WERE HUDDLED IN A CORNER OF
THE CANTEEN WATCHING IN FEAR AS FRANK MITCHELL WENT ON AN ORGY OF
PLATE SMASHING BECAUSE THERE WASN'T ENOUGH JAM IN HIS DOUGHNUT. "EASY
THERE BIG BOY," SAID PAUL CLARKE.
"PUT DOWN THAT TEA SPOON FRANK!" SCREAMED PAMELA BALLENTINE.
"DRAT! DRAT! AND TRIPLE DRAT!" YELLED THE ENRAGED WEATHERMAN. "DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM? WHEN I ORDER A DOUGHNUT, I EXPECT THE JAM CONTENT TO COMPLY WITH THE LATEST EUROPEAN DIRECTIVES. THIS JAMLESS DOUGHNUT IS A DISGRACE!!! I DEMAND A JAMMY DOUGHNUT BEFITTING A MAN OF MY IMPORTANCE AND STATION."
AS FRANK STOMPED OUT TO PREDICT SPITS AND SPOTS, A WHITE-FACED PAMELA
BALLENTINE LOOKED AT A WHITE HAIRED PAUL CLARKE AND WHISPERED, "PAUL,
WE REALLY MUST PUT A MUZZLE ON WEE FRANK." PAUL CONCURRED, WHICH IS
NOT UNUSUAL FOR A GREY-HAIRED MAN.
TOMMY MY CAT, SPRANG INTO THE ROOM DRESSED AS LADY GAGA'S OLD AUNT
BERTHA AND CRIED, "ALL HANDS TO THE PUMPS! STEVEN NOLAN HAS SPRUNG A
LEAK AND IS GOING DOWN!"
"GOOD RIDDANCE!" I YELLED. "MAYBE DAVY JONES CAN PUT THE SLABBERING
OUT OF THE LARD CONNOISSEUR."
TOMMY PUSHED HIS BUSTLE ROUND TO THE BACK AND SAID,
"I FAIL TO SEE HOW THE SMALLEST MEMBER OF THE MONKEYS CAN SALVAGE THE
ROTTEN HULK OF THE S.S. TUBBY NOLAN." THEN, AN OLD CODGER STUCK HIS HEAD
THROUGH THE WINDOW AND BEGAN TO MAKE CLICKING SOUNDS WITH HIS FALSE
TEETH. "MORSE CODE!" CRIED TOMMY. "THE S.S. TUBBY NOLAN HAS RUN AGROUND
ON A SAND BANK AND WILL BE PULLED OFF TOMORROW, AT HIGH TIDE, BY THE
SCOTTISH TUG, "THE BONNY WEE MAID FROM FIFE."
"TOMMY!" I SAID. "NEVER USE THE WORDS, STEVEN NOLAN AND RUN IN THE SAME SENTENCE."
"HEY GRINGO!" I YELLED TO MARTINA PURDY, "THAT SURE IS A NICE LITTLE
TOP."
"BUCKSKIN," DRAWLED MARTINA,"ME AND THAT JED CLAMPET GUY, JORDIE TUFT, STALKED THAT BUCK FOR THREE HOURS BEFORE I BROUGHT HIM DOWN WITH A BULLET PLUMP RIGHT BETWEEN HIS LITTLE, OL EYES. OLD JED, OR JORDIE YELLED, "GOOD ON YE WEE WOMAN. NOW KEEP HER LIT 'TILL WE GET OUT!" LATER, OLD JORDIE TOOK ME HOME AND SHOWED ME HIS FIRST WORLD WAR MEDALS WHICH HE BOUGHT ON EBAY. OLD JORDIE IS SURE ONE FUNNY POSSUM."
"MARTINA!" I YELLED, "DID OLD JORDIE TRY ANY FUNNY STUFF?"
"HECK NO," SAID MARTINA. "BUT THINGS DID GET A LITTLE HOT WHEN HE WAS OVERCOME
WITH A COMPELLING COMPULSION TO SET FIRE TO HIS HOUSE."
"WHAT DID YOU DO?" I CRIED. "DID YOU PHONE THE FIRE BRIGADE?"
"HECK NO," SAID MARTINA. " I BITCH SLAPPED HIM UNTIL HIS OVERWHELMING COMPULSION FOR FIRE BECAME BUT A SMOULDERING EMBER."
I STOOD BACK IN WONDER AND AWE AND CRIED, "YOU AMERICANS ARE SO CAPABLE. I WOULD HAVE CALLED IN APACHE HELICOPTERS FOR AIR SUPPORT."
"SIT DOWN FRANK!" CRIED PAUL CLARKE. "YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT THAT DOOR
FILLED WITH ANGER.".
"DO PLEASE SIT DOWN FRANK," PLEADED PAMELA BALLENTINE. "PAUL AND I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE OURSELVES IF YOU CUT UP ROUGH AND WENT ON A MAD RAMPAGE." FRANK SIPPED HIS HERBAL TEA AND SAID, "I'M ALL RIGHT NOW. WHEN THE WEE HOODIE CALLED OUT, "HEY, OLD SCHOOL AROUND THE CORNER, MY DA SAID YOU GET THE WEATHER FROM GOOGLE", A RED MIST CAME OVER MY EYES. I WANTED TO WRECK, SMASH AND DESTROY
EVERYTHING IN MY PATH. I SWEAR TO GOD PAUL, IF YOU HADN'T CALLED OUT,
"HEEL FRANK! HEEL!" THERE'S NO KNOWING WHAT I MIGHT HAVE DONE."
"IT'S ALL RIGHT NOW FRANK," SAID PAMELA. "HERE, WIPE THE FOAM OFF YOUR
MOUTH WITH THIS TISSUE AND HAVE A WEE BRANDY BALL. A WEE BRANDY BALL
WILL HELP TO COOL YOU DOWN." AS FRANK CYCLED OFF HOME, PAUL LOOKED
AT PAMELA AND SAID, "HE'S GETTING WORSE,"
"I KNOW," SAID PAMELA. "SOMETHING WILL HAVE TO BE DONE. IT'S LIKE WORKING WITH MAD FRANKIE FRAZIER". PAUL CONCURRED, BUT LIKE I SAID BEFORE, IT'S NOT AT ALL
UNUSUAL FOR A MAN HIS AGE WITH GREY HAIR.