Patience, Practice and Martina Purdy.

GREAT SHOWS LAST WEEK KID. GREAT SHOWS WHICH IGNITED MUCH CONTROVERSY
AMONG A SELECT GROUP SEEKING ILLUMINATION REGARDING HUMAN,
INSTANTANEOUS COMBUSTION.
"IT'S HEARTBURN WHAT CAUSES IT!" YELLED WEE SPARKY McRONSON.
"RUBBISH!" ROARED VESTA MATCH. "INSTANTANEOUS COMBUSTION IS BROUGHT
ABOUT BY DRINKING TOO MUCH WHISKEY AND METHYLATED SPIRITS."
HEATED WORDS LED TO FIERCE IN-FIGHTING. AS FISTS BRUST, FACES AND FEET SANK
INTO SOFT, YIELDING GROINS, THE PROTAGONISTS FAILED TO NOTICE THAT
FOUNDER MEMBER, OLD CALOR KINDLING, HAD BURST INTO FLAMES IN A DARKENED
CORNER. THE CORONER SAID THE CAUSE OF DEATH WAS DUE TO A FLAMMABLE
POLLOP IN THE GIZZARD. "GUTTED!" WAS THE ONLY REQUIEM, CHISELED ON
OLD CALOR'S TOMBSTONE.
TOMMY MY CAT, PICKED UP HIS RED, FENDER GUITAR, TRIED, CALAMITOUSLY TO
PLAY THE SOLO FROM, "SULTANS OF SWING" THREW THE GUITAR FROM HIM AND
YELLED, "YON GEORDIE, MARK SNUFFLER, MUST HAVE TWENTY FINGERS!"
"PATIENCE TOMMY," I SAID. "PATIENCE AND PRACTICE. UP AT STORMOUNT, THE
DIXIELAND COMBO, "THE MLA 5" ARE GOING FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH.
JEFFREY DONALDSON, IS REPUTED TO BE A VERITABLE VIRTUOSO ON THE FIVE
STRING BANJO AND EDWIN POOTS, AN ABSOULTE WHIRLWIND ON DRUMS."
"WHOM IS THEIR LEAD SINGER?" ASKED TOMMY.
"WHISPERING BARRY MCELDUFF," I ANSWERED. "NIGEL DODDS TOLD ME THAT WHEN
WHISPERING BARRY SINGS, "I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, YOU RASCAL
YOU" BIG TEARS RAN DOWN THE OBSTINATE, GRANITE FACE OF JIM ALLISTER!"
TOMMY PICKED UP HIS GUITAR AND WENT BACK TO BASICS WITH A STUMBLING
VERSION OF, "THREE BLIND MICE".
I MET MARTINA PURDY WALKING UP THE FALLS ROAD WITH A TOWEL AROUND HER
NECK. "HEY AMERICANO!" I YELLED. "WHERE YA ALL BEEN?"
"WE ALL BEEN DOWN AT THE CRICK," SAID MARTINA. "I HAD ME A SKINNY DIP AND CHASED A
DOGGONE POSSUM UP A TREE."
"ARE YOU SETTLING IN TO THE ULSTER WAY OF LIFE?" I ASKED.
"HECK SURE," SAID MARTINA. " I DONE GONE BUILT ME A LOG CABIN ON THE
MALONE ROAD. I GOT ME AN OLD YELLER DOG, A FIDDLE AND A STONE JUG. HOT
DOGGITY, WE ALL AS HAPPY AS A TICK ON THE REAR OF STEVEN NOLAN. HEY,
YOU WANT TO HEAR MY HOG HOLLER?"
AND BEFORE I COULD STOP HER MARTINA, THREW BACK HER HEAD AND WENT,
"SHOOEE! SHOOEE! SHOOEE!"
A WEE WOMAN OPENED THE DOOR AND ROARED, "OUR HUGHIE IS AT HIS DINNER.
HE'LL BE OUT AS SOON AS HE FINISHES HIS CHIVER'S JELLY, SO HE
WILL!"
"AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE PANTS," SAID MARTINA, AS SHE WENT OFF
DOWN THE TRAIL.