No More Piles.

Great show yesterday kid.
A great shop which helped fix the teething problems with the ejector seat on McLaren's new child buggy, The Sprogger 500XL. Now when mum arrives home with baby, no more struggling with twisted straps and tight buckles. Simply press the ejector seat pedal with your toe and the baby will shoot 50 feet up in the air and land safely in mum's maternal waiting arms. This new invention will give busy mums more time to smoke and open another bottle of wine. "The McLaren Sprogger 500XL baby buggy, leaving busy mums more time to paint their toe nails and squeeze black heads. Because you're worth it!"
Tommy my cat sauntered into the room dressed as Tom pick and Mix. "Ugly woman!" yelled Tommy,"are you trying to bring back the punk look?"
"WHY?" I yelled. " Has someone stuck a pin through my nose?"
Tommy snorted, measured out another line and said, "I am talking about the home made barbed-wire leggings you are wearing. What's the buzz? Speak up you old hempen container for rodents."
"Keep it down, Willie Brown!" I roared. "These barbed-wire leggings are to stop dogs from jumping up on me."
"Hang loose, ugly goose," replied Tommy. "Why would canines jump up on you, you old withered crone?"
"Hang on Willie John," I wittily replied. "The dogs are attracted to my liver."
"Five and two, Scooby-Do," said Tommy. "No dog, not even a bloodhound could smell your liver hidden deep in your big, fat gut."
"I refer," I said, "to the liver in my coat pocket."
"All the fours, shut them doors!" cried Tommy."Why are you tempting the dogs in the street with pockets of liver?"
"It's an old wives' cure for piles!" I yelled. "Have you never heard the old saying, "Pocket full of liver, make piles shiver?"
"Here's another old saying!" roared Tommy. "This too shall pass, with boot up ass."
And Tommy lifted his foot and gave me a riser of unparalleled, ferocity and unforewarned hurt and pain.
BUT!!! No more piles. Both my cheeks now wear smiles!