The Granny who will not knit.

Great show yesterday Kid. Tommy my cat and I were shocked, surprised and gob-smacked, when the hairdresser granny, without any shame or feelings of guilt, informed the nation that she does not knit.
Obsessed by bicycles, the granny yelled,
"I do not knit! I never have knitted and I will NOT knit in the future."
"That granny will be ostracized!" yelled Tommy, as he finished a letter to Lynda Byrons, offering her the post of live-in housekeeper.
"All grannies should knit!" I yelled. "All grannies should smell of snuff, moth balls Power's whiskey, and a slight aroma of the po."
"I don't believe she is a granny," said Tommy. "I believe she has taken on the guise of granny to get out of bringing in the coal and taking out the wheelie bin."
"Bad granny," I said. "Bad, bad, bad, bad--granny!"
As Jermain DeFoe scored against Slovenia I yelled,
"DeFoe has beaten de foe!"
"I never had a moment's doubt," said Tommy, as he surreptitiously flicked a Paddy Power's docket into the fire. I heard later on the grapevine, that Tommy had staked £10, that Slovenia would beat England 21-Nil. Oh how I hate a pecuniary pussy!
With a scream of NIGH, NIGH, NIGH! Jim Rodgers bounded into the room.
"Well, Anderson has only gone and done it NIGH!" screamed Jim. "All over Ulster, men, women and children are calling the po, the-Jordie! I just heard a wee woman yelling,
"Run and fetch the Jordie, your daddy is going to boke."
"FAME at last for old Jordie!" cried Tommy. "From this day forward, wherever people squat, the name of Jordie Tuft will be revered and honoured."
"Jordie must be knighted!" I yelled. "The Queen must lay her sword on old Jordie's shoulder and say,
"Arise Sir Jordie. I confer on you the loyal order of the PO. What do you think about that yeh boy yeh?"
And Sir Jordie will bow and say,
"Thanks wee woman. Boys this is a wild, big house you've got. Do you dung out your own bed?"