Is This All There Is?

Great show yesterday Kid. As for your callers.. living proof that not nearly enough Diazepam and Temazepam are being dispensed in Ulster. Have we reached a stage, where the drugs don't work?

I looked at Tommy my cat. He was lying behind the door with a whiskey bottle in his hand, pretending to be Matt Talbot before he found God.

"Is this all there is?" I sighed, as I crept round the floor, wearing blue gutties, a bridal veil and a pair of Hillbilly overalls. I pushed a peanut a few more centimetres with my nose and shrieked, "Won't someone take me to the Mardi Gras?" Then the dam burst and I shrieked, "To hell with living lives of quite desperation!" and I yelled, roared, shrieked, screamed and guldered. I lay on my back beating the heels of my little blue gutties against the floor.

"I don't want to be Lucy Jordan," I cried.

"I want to live, love, laugh and be happy."

Outside, people were happily preparing for Christmas. Inside my condemned hovel Tommy was yelling, "Oh Lord, take away this pernicious craving for the auld drink." And I was rolling around the floor like a tumbleweed screaming, "I want to be Queen of the May. I want to be Queen of the May!"

"Then someone, it could have been Jesus, yelled through the letter box, "Will you two head bangers pull yourselves together?"

A bright light filled the room and a feeling of peace and serenity descended on the house.

Tommy smashed the bottle of whiskey against the wall, leaped to his feet and proclaimed,

"HALLELUIAH, I have seen the light!"

I whipped off my bridal veil, looked into the mirror and cried, "I'm beautiful! I can see my hidden, inner beauty."

It was quite far in, but I saw my inner beauty. Behind the ugly, wrinkly, contorted mask I wear each day, I was-beautiful.

Tommy and I fell to our knees and gave thanks to the Lord. (And I ain't talking about Lord Laird)

Outside a 24 hour trout and sellotape store, I saw Tubby Nolan pulling furiously at the large fork on his massive trousers.

"Stop that Tubby! I yelled. "Do you want to end up on the Harry Hill show?"

Tubby stood there with the sweat running down his gigantic face. "I have four giant bars of Mars in my trouser pocket," gasped Tubby, "but I can't get them out. They are all in the breech position."

"Lie down," I said, "and breathe. Big breaths. In out. In out and don't push until I tell you." Ten minutes later, Tubby was the proud father of four bouncing bars of Mars.

"My babies!" cried Tubby, as he lumbered down an entry to eat them.

All this and more have I seen, as Lynda Byrons told her turkeys the sad reality of Christmas.

There wasn't a dry eye in the turkey shed.