Courting controversy

What a great show you put on yesterday Kid. To say yesterday's great show was not controversial in the extreme. is akin to saying that Mark Durkin is not in constant touch with reality. Not only were you courting controversy, you were in bed with her, with the duvet pulled up to hide your guilty faces.

First, you and Tubby Nolan sat in the corner losing your religions. Then, just as suddenly, you both found other religions. I suppose from next year, Tubby will be called, Gerald Michael Nolan, and you will answer to the name of Steven Carson Samuel Anderson?

It's a right howdy-do and Tommy my cat is fair flummoxed. "I don't know what name to put on their Christmas cards!" yelled Tommy.

I advised him to let the hare sit. And the hare is still sitting, sitting in a cardboard box, drinking Red Bull and reading Ireland's Own.

THEN! Mr Coyle threw a law and order wobbly. What a rant from Ireland's least known golfer. "Clamp all cars," yelled the Clampet.

"No smoking, no drinking, no walking on the grass, no littering and NO how's your father after nine o'clock on a Saturday night."

What a complex little man he is, a Frankenstein monster made up from Charles Bronson, Oliver Cromwell, Matthew Hopkins, the witch finder general, Mary Whitehouse and Attila the Hun.

Tommy my cat was so frightened, he.....

Well, never mind what he did, but I'm not going out to the back yard for a mop and bucket. Tommy can clean it up himself.

THEN! The Pope phoned in again! Has he nothing better to do? Surely the Pontiff should be up on a chair, decorating the Vatican with balloons and paper chains. Does he not know that Father Brian Darcy has been hanging round the Vatican for a week, with an angel/ fairy in his hand, waiting to attach it to the top of the Christmas tree? This is a wanton waste of father Brian Darcey's time. Father Brian has confessions to hear and Showbands to introduce. Does the Pope not know that? Is he really infallible?

When I heard the guy sing, "What's He Doing In There?" I immediately thought of old Jordie. What is Jordie doing in there? Two weeks ago a wee doat was seen going into Jordie's cottage to dung out his bed. YES!-that's what they call it now. But up to 48 minutes to seven last night, no one has seen hide or hair of either Jordie or the wee doat.

Is it any wonder people are asking,

"WHAT'S HE DOING IN THERE???"

OH, I saw Lynda Byrons buying your Christmas present yesterday. I'm not allowed to say what it is, but I can tell you it will keep you nice and warm.

Oh if you must know, it's a fierce Rottweiler to race you round the roads of Derry and surrounding districts.

But it's the thought that counts, as Carol Volderman said, when she ran up behind Richard Whitley and screamed-"BOO!"