THE KITTENISH CAPERS OF TOMMY THE CAT

I instructed my brain to peep through my eyes. It was then I saw Tommy my cat, rolled up in a duvet and grunting most horribly next to the baby grand tin whistle I bought on eBay. I got the whistle for a song. All I had to do was go over to England and sing, "I enjoy being a girl" to Herman the hermit, who lives in a forest just outside Southend-On-Sea.
I knew right away what Tommy was up too, Tommy was pretending to be a pig with human flu.
"Tommy!" I yelled "You swine, you stole my idea. Now I will have to pretend to be a pea-wheet with gallstones." And there we lay for the next three days, moaning, groaning and letting high pitched horrible yells and shrieks. Tommy gave a moan and croaked "When is the nurse coming round?" "I don't know" I replied "But I'll tell you one thing, it's too late for the screens."
Time like the hand grenade I swallowed passed and soon Tommy and I were up on our feet ready to face another day with stiff upper lips and bent and twisted knees.
Suddenly! I heard the sound of a cart pushing a donkey. "HARK!" I yelled. Putting my cupped hand to the place my ear used to be, before I painted Van Gogh's sunflowers.
"RAGS AND BONES" yelled a hoarse voice. "RAGS AND BONES. RAGS AND BONES".
I pressed a photocopy of a seven pound note into Tommy's paw and yelled. "Run out and get some rags and bones. QUICK! before they are all gone".
Soon! Tommy and I were staring at a pile of rags and bones. "What are you going to do with this lot?" said Tommy "Tommy" I chided "Use the brain that the good Dr Frankenstein gave you. With the bones we will make some nourishing soup" "And what will we do with the rags?" said Tommy.
"We will use the rags" I said "To clean up the puke after we have eaten the soup".
"DOH!" said Tommy, hitting himself on the forehead. "DOH! indeed my fine feathered friend" I said. "It's not enough to think, you have to keep thinking. Look at me, I thunk, therfore I was".
Just then, the Black Mountain erupted, with a horrible roar. Tommy and I gave a Hibernian yell, clasped hands and danced the Maid From Clare, as a river of molten lava rushed past the window.
Ah, Irish dancing, where would we be without it? Without Irish dancing, one might as well cut off one's feet and use them as bookends, or back scratchers, or-I suppose one could make soup with feet,BUT! how would one fetch the soup from the cooker to the table? Aye! there is the rub. Ah life, so short and yet so problematic!
I lay in the long grass, chewing a cud a cow had spit out and watching a a team of roped together ants trying to scale the North face of Tubby Nolan's gigantic fork. "OXYGEN!" screamed the leader of the ants. "OXYGEN, OXYGEN, in the name of all that's holy-OXYGEN!!!" I watched in horror, as the first ant fell, taking the second with him and soon all the ants were hurtling into the vast crevice that lay between the massive thighs of Ireland's premier glutton.
I looked at the chubby fingers that had launched a thousand chips. The small, red rosebud lips that had served as a portal for chips, Mars, Milky Way and roasted wildebeest and said.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the tubbiest of them all?" "I am!" growled Tubby "And I aim to keep it that way. They say size doesn't matter" growled the oval one "But I say-FIE! I say-Fie. I also say, Rubbish, balderdash and slabber". "Tell me dearest Steven" I said "Did you meet any nice girls on your holiday?" Tubby mused, ruminated, pondered and replied-fatly.
"I did meet a plump, fat Fraulein in Germany. She was roasting a pig on the village green. It was love at first sight. I lumbered over and said, "Can I take you home?" "And did you?" I asked "Did you take her home?" "I sure did" said Tubby, with an evil leer. "And what did you do Steven?" I yelled "What did you do when you took the fat, plump one home?" Tubby looked at me and growled. "I ate her of course". "WHAT!" I yelled "You asked to take a German Fraulein home and then you-ate her?" "Of course not!" yelled Tubby "I never spoke to the German Fraulein, I was talking to the roasted PIG!" "TUBBY, TUBBY, TUBBY" I sighed. "What are we going to do with you?" "Feed me" growled Tubby "Baby HUNGRY!!!"
I held out two of my arms and cried, "COME TO MAMMA!"