Coyle's Away!

Great show yesterday Kid. And when you told us that Mr Coyle would be away for another week, the nation went into rejoicing. The spitting cobra, first Minister Peter Robinson, announced that from this day onward, Monday the 15th of June would be known as, "Nil Interuptus" day. I looked at Tommy my cat who was washing his false teeth in a glass of high octane jet fuel and said, "What are we going to do with that unsightly hole in the wall of this room?" "Let's try and slide the walls together," said Tommy. But after much straining and pushing the opening was as big as ever. Tommy got on the phone and with the help of 118 118 got through to the Oracle of Delphi. "Have you tried switching the wall on and off?" said the Oracle. "Yes," said Tommy. "Smashing!" said the Oracle. "Have you taken out all the plugs?" said the Oracle. "Yes," said Tommy. "Brilliant!" said the Oracle. Then the Oracle showed why she earns the big bucks. "Have you tried to block the hole with bricks and cement?" said the Oracle. "No," said Tommy. "Nincompoop!" said the Oracle. So Tommy and I set to and blocked up the unsightly hole with plaster and wood chip paper. It was three weeks later, when I tried to go to the toilet, that I discovered Tommy and I had bricked up the only door out of the room. But I'm not worried. They found the boy King Tut, didn't they? "Oh Mr Carter! Mr Howard Carter! Cooee, Mr Carter!"

All this and more have I seen from Sunny Spain, where Mr Coyle has just bought a timeshare for £500.

Don't sign that cheque. Don't sign that cheque. AH, too-late!.