Aliens

At twelve o'clock I turned off the radio by hitting it 69 times with a hammer, then I looked at Tommy my cat and said, "Well, my fine feathered friend, what did you think of the Gerry show today?" "Great! cried Tommy. "The show was fresh as a mountain stream, full of zest and brimful of energy."Suddenly, a cloud passed over my face and I said, "But there was something eerie about the show, something strange and peculiar." "And what would that be my old duck?" said Tommy. "The phones," I said. "None of the mobile phones were working." Tommy pursed his lips and muttered, "Oh dear." "Oh dear-what!" I yelled. "Come on, you know something, spit it out or I'll get Steven Nolan to sit on you." "I think you had better sit down," said Tommy, "while I tell you a story. Long, long ago," said Tommy, "Aliens landed in Northern Ireland." "Lor love a duck!" I cried. "YES!" cried Tommy. "Long, long ago, twelve aliens were left here, to observe the habits of the Northern Ireland man and woman. And yesterday!" cried Tommy, with a dramatic gesture, "The mother ship returned and picked them up again. Which explains why the mobile phones were not working. Even as we speak, the aliens are reporting on, marches, football, smoking, drinking and the great pleasure that is to be had, hanging round a street corner with the butt of a woodbine in your mouth." "Crikey!" I cried "Be-jeckers and now, now, now,how's about that then? Tommy!" I yelled "Who were the twelve aliens who were left here?" "Well!" said Tommy "You can cross John Daly off your Christmas card list for a start." "I should have known," I cried. "The crystal ball head was a dead give-a-way. Who else Tommy?" I yelled. "Who else?" "Peter and Iris Robinson." said Tommy "Abominable!" I yelled, "Who else?" "Phil Coulter." said Tommy. "James Galway, Mitchell McLaughlin, Dan Gordon, Roisin Gorman, Jon Toal, Bob McCartney and Michael McGimpsy." "The swine!" I yelled. "McGimpsy was always going on about swine flu, even though he knew he was immune to it. Who was the twelfth alien Tommy?" I cried. "Come on! Out him, drag him out of the closet!" Tommy walked thoughtfully to the window with his hands behind his back, turned and said. "We don't know the twelfth alien. What we do know is that the twelfth alien is the leader and a very nasty piece of work. Now," said Tommy, "if you will excuse me, I must hit the sack for a cat nap." When Tommy had gone, I looked into the mirror, pulled off my flexible rubber human face and marvelled at my green, scaly,alien reptilian beauty.

All this and more have I seen at the sex change clinic, where men are men until they come out of the anaesthetic! Turned out nice again! Think I'll take Henry the hoover for a walk!.