Tuesday, 7 February 2012

The Flamingo Gang. How did they GET IT OUT?

Great show yesterday kid. Tommy my cat looked at me with his wee, sincere, feline face and said, "My heart goes out to Mr Coyle, who is suffering from severe, chronic, ocular trouble. Gadzooks, the lad is stumbling about like an old banger of a car, with just one headlight."
"Old Keyhole Kate!" I cried. "Peeping through keyholes will give you an eye infection. J'accuse Mr Coyle of peeping AND gleeking through keyholes. J'accuse Mr Coyle of being a serial voyeur, which is French for Nosey-Parker."
Tommy unrolled an old, aged, faded parchment, which gave him permission to drive geese up the stairs at Stormount and said, "This coming year, is chock-a-block with anniversaries. There is the signing of the Ulster covenant, sponsored by BIC pens, the 1916 hanlin' at the post office in Dublin, sponsored by Murphy's stout and O'Toole's pigs' cheeks and the big one on the first of September, when good, old Jackie, (One two and you're in) Fullerton, will clock up one hundred years on the old speedometer."
"Let's hear it for Ballymena's finest!" I yelled. "Jackie has come a long way since he first played football on the village green with a pig's bladder."
"Jackie Fullerton is a legend," cried Tommy, "an institution! Jackie Fullerton, is a model to any young man contemplating entering the highly skilled world of football commentary. Jackie has proved, time and time again, that no matter how hard you try, you never quite get it right."
"Remember his howler at Windsor Park," I giggled., "Fowler, the Glentoran keeper has run amok in the six yard box, flapping his arms ineffectually like a headless chicken."
Tommy laughed and said, "My favourite Jackie-Bite is, "Lennon has his head between his knees, but I don't think he'll find the ball there!"
"Old Jackie Fullerton," I said. "It seems only yesterday he was playing football in the street wearing only his underpants."
"It was only yesterday!" said Tommy. "Old Jackie, sold the nurse a dummy and escaped from secure accommodation. He dribbled his way through the main gate, nut-megged a policeman and kicked an empty tin of coke through Eason's window. Then old Jackie pulled his simmet over his head, croaked, "GOOOOAL" and ran into a lamp post. As he was taken away in an ambulance the genial, crooner sang, "I Did It My Way!"
Tommy stood over a terrified, bound and gagged Jim Rodgers and yelled,
"It has come to my attention that you, Jim Rodgers, and some of your friends stole the flamingo from the Flamingo ballroom way back in the day when you could have a good night out for a tanner." Tommy yanked the old sock out of Jim's mouth and yelled, "Confess Rodgers! I have you bang to rights.
"NIGH! NIGH! NIGH!" screamed Jim, "You shall never hear from my lips the names of the Flamingo gang."
"I don't want names!" roared Tommy. "I just want to know one thing about the great flamingo heist and that is,
HOW DID YOU GET IT OUT? HOW DID YOU GET IT OUT?? HOW DID YOU GET IT OUT?????"

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