The first Commissioner for the Elderly

Great show yesterday kid. All the guys and gals at Saint Dymphna's Home for the Chronically Nonchalant drawled, "Way to go dude!"
Quick-fix fitters went into a frenzy of quick-fix fitting and the friars at Saint Nobbler's Priory, chucked chips, fish and sausages into a deep-fat frier. The deep, fat friar wishes to remain anonymous. And who can blame him? When you have a skylight in your hair the last thing you want is publicity.
Tommy my cat sat in front of the fire reading the Ulster/ Nova Scotia edition of the Belfast Telegraph.
"HEY ratbag!" yelled Tommy. "Listen to this!"
"If you utilise I will hark," I replied with a merry, throaty, phlegm-filled chuckle.
"THIS," said Tommy, "is a direct quote from Peter Robinson. "Delivering a strong, independent voice". AND this is a direct quote from deputy acting first Minister, John O'Dowd, "A strong voice to champion causes!"
I crawled under the sofa and screamed,
"Don't read any more Tommy. You're scaring me. What calamitous misfortune do your oblique words foretell?" Tommy sprang out into the middle of the room like a hairy, demented ballet dancer and shrieked,
"After much old-codger lobbying, Stormount has capitulated and employed a Commissioner for the elderly."
"Mustangs and melancholy!" I yelled. "Please tell me it's not--not--Jordie Tuft."
The first Commissioner for the Elderly," yelled Tommy, "is-Claire Keating! I don't know dear Claire personally," said Tommy, "but I am assured she is a fine upstanding woman, with principles as high as an elephant's eye who wears sensible, flat shoes."
"Imagine if old Jordie had been made Commissioner," I said. "Every Darby and Joan club would have its own dung-spreader. Old codgers would be encouraged to go on the tear and free cooking sherry would be provided for the over 65s."
Tommy looked lovingly at Orville his clockwork mouse and said, "Old Jordie was in the running for Commissioner, but he blew his chances when he made a drunken,spaltering grope at Nigel Dodds in the mistaken belief it was Catriona Ruane. "You're a nice wee dote," slurred Jordie, as he hung like a limpet to poor Nigel's tie."
"Fouled his nest again!" I mused. "A good job was in his grasp and old Jordie goes and man-handles the man who was a stand in on, Frost and Nixon." "Representable!" muttered Tommy. "Totally and thoroughly-Representable!"
Then! Wendy Austin diverted our attention with a yell of, "Prince Charles, Camilla and Bobby Davro to appear on platform with Martin McGuinness. What do you think?? Phone Talkback-NIGH!"