No Alien Invasion.

Great shows last week kid.
Great shows which helped keep wee Ulster a phonehacking free zone. Wee Chlorine Sodsbury came into the living room just in time to see her Grandad about to hack into her mobile phone. Wee Chlorine slapped the chops off him and threw him a newspaper. The old codger said, "Thanks Petal" and coughed, spluttered and hacked into the Belfast Telegraph instead.
Tommy my cat pushed me up against a wall I had built to separate the armchair from the foot stool and roared, "I want the truth, the whole truth and I want it NIGH! Why was Steven Nolan tweeting hysterically last week?
I quickly assembled two Ikea milkmaids' stools and said,
"Sit down Thomas. It's all very hush-hush, but Edwin Poots told me that Tubby was abducted by aliens and probed to within an inch of his life."
"I bet the little aliens were tired," said Tommy. "That would be the biggest probe they have ever carried out."
"Come 'ere," I said. "There's more! Apparently an old Codger living in the hills above Drumquin, was futtering with his 1924 Cossar wireless trying to get Maureen Potter on Athlone when,clear as a bell he heard the leader of the aliens say,
"This is Zogo reporting to the mother-ship. We have really struck the mother lode this time."
Then the mother-ship responded, "Well bend me over and spank me with a rolled-up copy of the Uranus Journal. Have you made a preliminary report on the subject?"
"We have," said the alien. "It appears to me some kind of mobile black hole that eats everything it comes across."
"Come on home boys," responded the mother-ship. "We don't want anything to do with that crazy sucker."
"Jolly Gosh!" said Tommy. "So Tubby saved the world from an alien invasion?"
"That he did!" I replied. "But the United Nations have decided not to tell him."
"WHY!" yelled Tommy. "Give me one good reason why Tubby should not be told he is the saviour of mankind?"
"They don't want to give the oval one a big head!" I roared.
"That's a GOOD reason," said Tommy and went back to writing begging letters to, Mrs Bunty Hovis, 27 Teabag Lane, Lisburn.