No More Enquiries

"Hurry up feline," I yelled to Tommy my cat, "Gerry is back after his salubrious sabbatical!"
"I'm just finishing Mr Coyle's report card," said Tommy.
I watched as Tommy scrawled, "Could do better" sealed the report in a brown manila envelope and handed it to our alternative postman who was wearing spiked running shoes and clutching a cleft stick.
Tommy looked at me, threw up and said,
"Did you know that the Northern Ireland assembly have just placed a big order for enquires with a firm in China?"
I threw a plate of tatties and neeps at a framed photograph of would-be Irish President,Senator Steven Norris and yelled, "How did this vile, ugly situation come about? Please explain using drawings, graphs and,if need be, a scale built model of the situation. How did Stormount, the apex of democracy and soda bread, run out of enquires?"
"It came about thus," said Tommy. "After a heated debate as to whether "The green, green grass of home" should be classed as a rebel song, Nigel Dodds, debonair with sleeked-backed hair went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
In spite of all my will-power a corner boy yell of, "THE PRESIDENT IS NOT A CROOK!" burst out of my cracked, chaffed, cold-sore infested lips.
"When Nigel returned to the chamber," said Tommy, "he was ashen faced, gobsmacked and wild-eyed and legless.
"We have no sugar!" screamed Nigel. "This den of democracy and dim-wits has run out of-SUGAR!"
Little Barry McElduff, sensing a conspiracy, immediately leaped to his little Sinn Feet and called for an-enquiry.
Not to be outdone, Jim Allister leaped to his marching feet and called for an enquiry to inquire if Barry McElduff should be allowed to call for an enquiry.
"Wee Sammy," said David Ford to a wee man wearing a flat cap and a woodbine,
"Go out to the backyard and bring me in two enquiries from the enquiry bunker, there's a good chap."
Wee Sammy returned and said,
"I regret to inform the house that we have no enquiries. The lock on the enquiries bunker is busted and all the enquiries-nicked. Gentlemen, Stormount has run out of-enquiries."
The MLA's went clean mad. Every member was on his feet demanding an enquiry into the theft of the enquiries.
"HOW," I appealed to three giraffes flying up the wall,"can Ulster survive without an enquiry?" I grabbed Tommy by the neck and roared,
"Who stole our enquiries?"
"Hoodies, scumbags, ne'r-do-wells and low achievers!" cried Tommy. "The young entrepreneurs who are demolishing old working class houses brick by brick and then selling the red bricks to ostentatious yuppies, who use the bricks to build fireplaces, barbecues and bidets, are also selling enquiries on every street corner."
Crestfallen I staggered towards the front door.
"Hey!" said Tommy with a girlish giggle, "Did you know that Mad Max, Mel Gibson has sacked all his PAs and now does all his talking through a-beaver?"
"I'm not in the mood Tommy," I sighed as I went out to the garden to see how the lads were getting on with my red brick vomitorium!
But it is a sin, my aunt Jane used to take me in and make me tea in her wee tin, in those red brick houses, long, long ago.