JIM'S PLAN

Great show yesterday kid.
But a great show which FAILED to warn us about Michael McIntyre Night on the comedy channel on Saturday night. Yes! 14 hours of the chubby, chunky, posh, public school boy striding round the stage like a demented telly-tubby. Michael McIntyre, Gay McIntyre? No! No! - NAY!
It's unbelieveable that Gay McIntyre would have a love child, but stranger things happen. Who would have thought that speech challenged Cheryl Cole and Nadine Coyle would team up to play the flower pot men?
"Weed! Weed!" giggled Tommy my cat.
"Well clean it up!" I roared. "You know where the Jeyes Fluid is."
Filled with fried bread and sporting fervour I yelled, "Tommy, how can we stop the naughty Republic of Ireland stealing all our young football players?"
"Don't worry," said Tommy, "Jim Rodgers has a plan."
As I heard the name, Jim Rodgers,I felt a strange stirring in my loins and a hot flush spread over my face like a gorse fire.
"From the 1st of June," said Tommy,"every baby born in Northern Ireland, will be stamped, "Made in Northern Ireland" on its little pink bottom and will carry a special, personal, sprog number. Then in 20 years time if Jim has reason to believe that a young Northern Ireland lad is playing for the Republic, he will run on to the field, pull down the lad's shorts and look on both cheeks for the tell-tale tatoo."
"Brilliant, smashing and foolproof!" I cried.
"Soon," said Tommy, "mockers won't be calling our brave football team, Northern Ireland Nil."
"Fantastic!" I yelled. "Soon the cry will be, Northern Ireland ONE, the Republic of Ireland SIX!"
Tommy and I exchanged shirts and went off, arm in arm for a bath.
What would we do without Jim Rodgers? Her Majesty should knight him and knight him NIGH! NIGH! NIGH!!!