WELCOME HOME

Welcome back kid. Take your coat off for you are stopping. Where to begin? Where to begin?
Well kid, I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is, your show is ruined and your listeners scattered to the four winds. The good news is, the man who stole my burlap knickers from the washing line brought them back again-washed AND pressed! There are still some good, kind people out there. It was, as Tommy my cat said, a game of two halves. Burke and Hare, or Kelly and Coyle have taken a great show and crushed it underfoot like an earwig.
Gerry Kelly never really got control of the show. There was no balance, no theme. Kelly was lashing out like a blind golfer, Leaping from Lady Gaga to the Dukes of Hazard theme music. He was all over the place. Johnny Cash, followed by Johnny Logan, followed by count John McCormick singing, Come into the garden Maud.
"SEGUE!" yelled Tommy my cat. "In the name of all that's holy-SEGUE! SEGUE!"
The half-time whistle blew and on to the pitch ran Mr Coyle. Coyle had an agenda. Within ten minutes stoned, hippy Coyle, wearing a kaftan and self raising flour in his hair, Transported the now terrified audience to 1960's Hippyville, San Francisco, US of A. I could smell the joss sticks leaking out of the radio and Mr Coyle urging the girls to, "Let It All Hang Out!"
An indication of how bad things were to become was summed up in Mr Coyle's first song. Tommy and I ran for the bunker as the strains of,
"Take your shoes off Lucy, don't you know you're in the city" blasted out of the radio.
The first call of the day sent Mr Coyle off on a nationwide hunt for-Tapioca!
"OFCOM!" yelled Tommy. "In the name of all that's holy. OFCOM! OFCOM!"
All that remains now kid is to round up your audience. I suggest Jordie Tuft form a posse. NO! a posse kid, NOT a pussy! Tommy and I will help. According to UTV Live and the Jewish Chronicle, most of your listeners are hiding in the hills. The PSNI have found gibbering wretches hiding in caves and under whin bushes. Millies have been seen wandering like mindless zombies. One old codger was pulled out of a rabbit hole by the heels.
"Kelly and Coyle" he babbled, as he was taken away to BP, where he is now picking up a six figure salary! Nice work if you can get it and you can get it if you try!
The Good Ship Gerry in on the rocks, kid, holed below the Plimsole line and taking on water. The bilges are full of stowaway Polish squid. Maybe you will learn a lesson from this. NEVER, NEVER leave your great show in the hands of Kelly and Coyle. Better to close up shop and put a note in the window stating.
"CLOSED FOR RENOVATIONS!"
Now you are back, perhaps you would be good enough to play, "Happy days are here again" for Tommy and me.
We are burying a dear, dear old friend this afternoon.
His name is Eli "Bango" Bumstead. One of the greatest accordian players I have ever heard!
PS, When it comes to Kelly and Coyle, kid, THINK ON! THINK ON!