The Big Bang.

Great show yesterday kid. A great show, some might say, with a few teething troubles over the volume levels. Tommy my cat and I were sitting on the sofa wrapped up snug and warm in the national flag of Liberia when the house shook, ornaments leapt off the TV and a frantic, flashing message on the screen advised us, "To press the red button-NIGH!!!"
"In the name of Tubby Nolan's bulging Y-fronts!" yelled Tommy. "What was THAT???"
I retrieved my dry, thread-bare, ginger wig from the top of the Welsh dresser and shrieked, "It sounds like Hitler making a blood-curdling speech at a rally in Nuremberg, but why would Hitler be guldering, "HELLO EMMA! HELLO EMMA!"
"I know dear Emma," said Tommy, "and Emma is no more in the Gestapo than you are in the Brownies. Mark my words," said Tommy, "the day is yet young. Before dusk, news of great calamity will be made known." And Tommy was right! Traffic accidents, window-cleaners falling off their ladders, old codgers tumbling down open manholes, were just some of the stories a wild-eyed and frightened Noel Thompson and Donna Trainor had to deal with on Newsline. Donna popped another Valium and said, "Old folks' homes were the worst hit. Catheters and colostomy bags were wrenched from their moorings and flew through the air like shrapnel." Donna gasped, swooned and rugged anchorman Noel Thompson carried on.
"Perhaps the worst incident happened at Saint Corky's old folks' home in Cullybaccy. 104 year old Miss Candy McStump,who had served as a wren and bit of rough during two world wars, was just lowering herself on to the toilet when the BIG BANG occurred. Old Candy had a flashback, well, two if truth be told, and charged out of the little girls' room shrieking, "INCOMING!!!" Old Candy ran to the broom cupboard, grabbed a bisum shaft and went on an orgy of bayoneting never seen before in any theatre of war."
Donna Trainor came out of her swoon with a yell of, "Get back yeh boy!" and continued. "A PSNI spokesman said just 13 minutes ago, "I can confirm that four people are being held in Strand Road police station in relation to the, "BIG BANG!" The four are, Gerry Anderson, Sean Thaddeaus Coyle, Emma and Screwdriver Ken. Chummy Coyle has lawyered up and is claiming he was on a pilgrimage to Knock."
Tommy looked and me and said, "I wonder what Gerry's levels will be like tomorrow?"
"Gerry will be in Belfast tomorrow," I said,"where some wee Sammy or Mick will be twiddlin his knobs."
"OH MATRON!" shrieked Tommy.