Tommy Likes Bouncers

Great show yesterday Kid. It reminded me of a great show back in July 2004. I remember saying to Tommy my cat at the time, "Tommy, will we ever see a great show like that again?" and low and behold, yesterday's great show answered my question. After just five minutes, I liked the cut of yesterday's great show's jib, and I said to Tommy my cat, "Hold on to your hat Kid. We're in for another great show."

After the great show I turned the radio off by calling it horrid names. 'Twas then I saw Tommy my cat. He was answering a call of nature on the telephone. Bill Oddie wanted to know if the blue tits in our garden seemed dejected, gloomy or depressed.

Tommy yelled, "I don't talk to the old Bill!" and hung up.

"Thomas," I said, "Pull up a milk churn, sit down and attend to me. Did you know that the people in Derry yawn differently than the other people in Ulster?"

Tommy pondered not but replied right away, "Yes, I did. One night I had the great misfortune to find myself at a Phil Coulter concert. As the tranquility spread like ether over the audience, little Phil raised his little arms in the air and said, "Oh Hi Oh, I'm wild tired, so I am. I wish I was going up the wooden stairs to my wee bed, but I suppose you are all waiting for me to sing, "The Town I Love So Well."

"Oh no we're not!" yelled the audience.

"Oh yes you are!" cried Phil.

"It was a pantomime," said Tommy, "a complete pantomime."

I drop kicked a turnip through the open window, knocking Tubby Nolan off his high horse and said, "I wonder what ever happened to wee Phil Coulter?"

"Little Phil works for Betterware" said Tommy,

"He has a Betterware run that takes in not only Derry BUT surrounding districts. And Phil's customers all know his knock, because Phil goes, "BOOM-BANG-A-BANG!"

Oh how we laughed and may be still laughing yet, for all I know.

In the evening Tommy wrote a concerto for cat, kitten and out of tune violin. After Tommy had run through it on the paper and comb he looked and me and said, "Gerry was talking about bouncers today. May I tell you an odd circumstance about bouncers that happened to me?"

"By all means," I said. "The floor is yours."

"Thank you," said Tommy. "I shall take it up to my room later. Yesterday," said Tommy, "or was it the day before, I was going past the big building where the bouncers hang out and do you know something? There were NO bouncers on the door! I could have strolled right in and stole as many bouncers as I pleased."
"It doesn't surprise me," I said.

"Bouncers are as thick as breeze blocks."

I looked at Tommy with a suspicious mind and said, "I hope you didn't nip into the building and steal a bouncer or two. I don't want Matt Baggott knocking at my door looking for knocked off bouncers."

Tommy blushed bright red, hung his head and muttered, "I stashed three bouncers in the coal shed, but I'll run out now and let them go."

"Good boy Tommy" I said "And if you're a very good cat, Santa may bring you a bouncer at Christmas."

All this and more have I seen, as David Dunseith read the six o'clock news, with gritted teeth and a gun in his back. Who would have thought that Lynda Byrons packed heat???