KETTLES AND FIREGUARDS

What a great show you put on yesterday Kid. You sailed through the show, like a stately ocean liner, pulling the rusty, barnacle encrusted anchor that is Mr Coyle behind you.

After Mr Coyle's amazing outburst no one will ever look at their electric kettle in the same light again.

Tommy my cat and I sat Ken Wood our electric kettle down and gave it a right earful for boiling 20 seconds longer than was needed. Ken Wood pleaded that was the way he was manufactured, but, both Tommy and I, warned him if he doesn't change his ways- redundancy looms! Ken Wood burst into tears and ran back into the kitchen.

As for Jordie and his weather forecasts, I think the rural rustic is suffering from selective memory. I remember predictions of drought, hot scorching sun and bikini clad ladies praying, crying and-AYE! even offering favours for popsicles. That's ICE popsicles, Mrs Paisley.

I MADE FIREGUARDS by SEAN COYLE. The gritty tale of a fresh faced Irish youth who came to England seeking fame and fortune.

People in the know say that Mr Coyle's blockbuster novel, "I MADE FIREGUARDS" is to be made into a movie by director Ken Loach. Dame Helen Mirren, Julie Walters, Brian Blessed and Dame Judie Dench have all agreed to appear in the film. Speculation is rife that the young Mr Coyle will be played by Jo Brand in drag. Speaking from a pie shop in Barnsley Jo Brand said. "I don't mind giving it a go," and then added,

"Does my bum look big in this shop?"

Gerry Anderson, Mr Coyle's lifelong friend, is expected to play a cameo role as Nipper Fowler, Mr Coyle's cockney mate.

Speaking from the cracked decking at the front of his house Mr Coyle said.

"Yes darlings, I expect both the book and the film to be HUGE"! Mr Coyle then confessed that he had ordered a pair of shades out of a club book and was prepared to join, Sting, Bono and Bob Geldoff in their effort to save the planet and if need be, the --UNIVERSE!

"You have to give something back," said Mr Coyle, as he picked up two empty bottles and went out to haggle with the Maine lemonade man.

Speaking from his bicycle, with one foot on the footpath Micky Bradley from Radio Foyle said,

"If Mr Coyle leaves, it will be a big blow to radio Foyle, but we shall carry on. I don't look at it as losing a friend. I see it as losing a carbuncle on the face of radio."

Mr Bradley then peddled off, shrilly whistling, "Teenage Dreams."

Tubby Nolan has once AGAIN! stopped traffic on the Sydnam by-pass when he bent down to tie his shoe lace. Chief constable Matt Baggott said, "This was an accident waiting to happen. Why big Audrey, Tubby's mother, ever let him leave home with untied shoelaces--well, it's criminal.. I can tell you from now on, Baggott's boys will be cracking down hard on Mr Tubby Nolan. Even the very dogs in the street know that Tubby Nolan is Mr-BIG!"

Speaking from a down town chip shop Tubby Nolan retorted,

"Baggott the maggot," and then nearly killed himself laughing at his own quick, sparkling, Orcar Wilde wit.

All this and more have I seen from the drawer where Donna Trainor keeps her fruit pastiles. What does that tell us about the doe eyed news regurgitator? Well, it would be premature to mutter, "Priory clinic" but I would hate to see the Sunday World scream, "Another star brought low by class A sweets!"

Turned out nice again. Think I'll rent a burro and go for a canter.