FLOGGING A DEAD CAT

Monday morning found Tommy my cat and I up to our old tricks. Tommy had me in a box and the wily feline was sawing me in half with a saw. Tommy stopped sawing after my 21st shriek and rushed me to casualty on the back of a Mexican burro called Anthony. The doctor patched me up, patched me down, rolled me over, took my temperature and said. "Goodness gracious me, what a crazy lady!" gave me a Bombay riser with his toe and yelled, "NEXT!" "Damn you doctor, Ali Murphy!" I yelled. "I'll bring down the Indian economy. I'll never eat curry again." "You fixed his wagon," said Tommy. "Let's see how he likes them apples." I grabbed Tommy by the scruff of the neck, found a darkened corner and gave him an enema he'll remember for the rest of his life. All that from one small cat? Amazing, truly-amazing.
Later that night, or was it in the morning with two different people? who cares? lives too short for such frivolous frizzle-frazzle, Tommy and I stood in our local Chinese restaurant, The Rickshaw and Parrot. Tommy and I were incognito, the circus was in town and-well, you can't be too careful. Tommy and I were dressed up as, Peter, Paul and Mary, fooling darn near everyone, except die hard fans of the folksy threesome. Mrs Wong appeared from behind a beaded curtain, with a chopper in her hand, I felt a joke coming on but squashed it with a small blacksmith's anvil, I always carry in my clutch bag. "Mrs Wong!" I screeched, "where is Mr Wong?" "Mr Wong, not light," said Mrs Wong. "Mr Wong is not right?" I shrieked. "Mrs Wong, what is wrong with Mr Wong?" Mrs Wong, fingered her chopper---Right, that's it, you at the back, GET OUT, this is a decent blog, written for decent bloggers. OUT-and never show your ugly face in here again-Madonna! "Mrs Wong," I cried, "dear, dear Mrs Wong, please tell why Mr Wong is not right."
"Mr Wong," said Mrs Wong, "not light, not light in the head. Men come with white coats, the whole caboodle and they take Mr Wong away, because Mr Wong is not light, not light in the head, you savvy now, you Doodlebug?" Suddenly, it all made sense, Mr Wong had gone Do-Lally and was carted off to the funny farm. I looked at Tommy my cat with tears in my eyes and said, "They came and took him away--ha-ha.". "Yes," said Tommy, "the ultimate Chinese take-a-way." As we skipped round the corner to the chip shop, I said to Tommy, "Should we send Mr Wong some grapes?". "Nah," said Tommy, "he'll be heavily sedated. It will be a long time before he's fit enough to do any gardening." I looked at Tommy and thought, "You little belter, what a smart, intelligent little-belter you are."
"Tommy cat!" I yelled, "Come out of that corner." "No!" roared Tommy. "Tommy cat" I yelled, "Come out of that darkened corner, where the shadows lurk and strange things happen. Strange things that would make your blood run cold and the very marrow freeze in your bones." "Oh, all right," said Tommy, "if you put it like that." "Now Tommy cat," I said "you have to be punished." "What did I do?" yelled Tommy. "Today," I cried, "at seven and a half minutes past three, you were sitting on the dustbin in the back yard." "What if I was?" said Tommy, "It's not a crime, is it? It's not a crime to sit on a dustbin of a sunny afternoon." "You were talking to the tabby cat next door," I said. "What if I was?" said Tommy "It's not a crime, is it? Not a crime to sit on a dustbin of a sunny afternoon and talk with a friend. It's not a crime, is it?" "During that feline conversation," I said, "I put it to you, that you maligned the good name of-Mark Durkin!"
"Never!" cried Tommy "I never done it, I swear."."During that catty conversation," I said, "you said-and I quote, "Old Mark Durkin has had his day. It's over for old Markus. He is yesterday's man, GONE, FINETTO, KAPUT"
"I never," said Tommy.
"You DID!" I cried.
"I never," said Tommy.
"Oh yes, you DID!" I cried.
"How could you?" I yelled. "How could you, malign the good name of-Mark Durkin?"
"I didn't mean to," cried Tommy. "My words were taken out of context."
"Bend over my knee," I said. "You what?" said Tommy. "Bend over my knee," I said. "I am going to give you six of the best, with this hairbrush of John Daly's that I bought on eBay"
"No, you ain't," said Tommy.
"Yes, I am," I said.
"No, you ain't," said Tommy.
"Oh yes, I am," I cried.
There then followed a fierce three hour struggle, in which punches were thrown, kicks kicked, hair pulled out by the roots and angry words exchanged by both parties. The eventual outcome was, that I found myself lying over Tommy's knee, where I got six of the best, from John Daly's hairbrush. But I think Tommy got the message. Don't say bad things about Mark Durkin, the man who is up there with Einstein. Einstein discovered relativity and Mark Durkin discovered reality and today, thanks to Mark Durkin, children know that the reality-IS. YES, the reality-IS, it always was-IS and it will always be-IS and it's all due to Mr Reality himself--Mark Durkin.
DOH--and on that note, I'll finish.
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So, until we meet again--HELLO!