Covenants and Intrigues

reat shows last week kid. An old codger from the hills above Drumquin, told Reuters news agency, "Gerry Anderson and to a much lesser extent, Sean Coyle, saved my life last week. A terrible depression came over me last Sunday, when Danny, my pet banty rooster died from flu related symptoms. I hit an all time low. Thanks to the Gerry Anderson show, I am still here today after a sorrowful week. The wake and funeral for Danny, left me bereft of hope. I was ready to end it all, by over-dosing on Hugo Duncan. I nearly had the earphones on my head when fire bug Jordie Tuft roared, "Hi, come here ye boy ye! I was born in a tea chest!" "There are people worse off than me!" I cried, as I ran to the Post Office, to spend my life savings on wine, women and lilting. Tommy my cat, came in from the back yard, where he had been feeding the birds into his own mouth and said, "I lost touch with you, during the big covenant march. Where did you go?" I blushed and said, "I got lost. I found myself in a maze of back streets and next thing I knew, I was standing at the bar of the Felon's club, drinking a pint of Guiness." "How did the naughty little felons treat you?" said Tommy. "Like royalty," I answered. "They sat me up on the bar and bought me a four-green fields' cocktail. They called me, Maeve, their Celtic Queen. I sang, "Mother McCree, in Ulster/Scots, danced a jig and kept up a steady flow of, "Chuckie-ar-lahs." Tommy looked at me in anger and said, "What a tube you are! Drinking in the Felon's club on Covenant day. Why, you are once, twice, three times a Lundy!!" I cornered the lovely Sarah Travers, coming out of a second -hand potpourri shop. "SARAH!" I cried. "What's the matter? You never write. You never call. So, your old nanny isn't good enough for you anymore? Your old nanny, who used to throw you up in the air as a baby and only dropped you 27 times." "Oh, hello nanny Ferocious," said Sarah. "I am rather busy at work with the departure of Noel Thompson. Everyone is pitching in to do the work of the rugged, craggy faced, former anchorman." I looked around and whispered, "'Twas a horrible deed. A dastardly plot hatched when the blindbat flits on high and poisonous reptiles, slither like legless mice over blasted heaths. Cornered in the chamber, where he often ruminated Thompson cried, "IS this a dagger I see before me?" "No," said a man in a suit. It's your P45, now vacate that chamber, others are waiting to use it." "NO!, NO!" said Sarah. "It wasn't like that! It was all very amiable. Noel, just happened to pick up the poisoned chalice. It could have been any of us." "NOT Carruthers!" I cried. "Not the Thane of Socks. Carruthers is the favoured one. Why, the country is ready to follow Carruthers to war, if need be. Watch the moon, lady Sarah. See how she changes. So too, with the BBC. The BBC, is a place of intrigue and plots. A dark, gloomy edifice. The BBC is not a place where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you've came. INTRIGUE!" I cried. "Intrigue, piled on intrigue, until the intrigues take on the shape of a mountain of intrigueous intrigues. LEAVE!" I yelled. "Catch the night boat and flee to UTV. UTV, where the living is free and it's always time for tea." "I CAN'T!" shrieked Sarah. "Alas, I am betrothed to the BBC. They bought me young at a hiring fair in Strabane. HARK! Be careful. Something wicked this way comes!" "What a lovely day," said Tubby Nolan, from the interior of a massive, grey suit. "Sarah, my dear, get back to work. My smalls could do with a good sprinkling of DDT." "You lacky!" I cried. "Tubby Nolan, you are a craven-hearted lacky of Carruthers, the Thane of socks!" Tubby chuckled, rubbed his fat little hands together and yelled, "I am the power behind the throne! It was I who got rid of Thompson, with his rugged, craggy-faced good looks. Carruthers, is my puppet. Soon, others will follow. If the ancient one, Walter Love, doesn't pull his hose up--TO THE TOWER WITH HIM. I am the master NIGH!!!" I ran off screaming into the night, looking for two other witches to babble and gibber with.