REVELATIONS

"I wonder what new revelations will surface on the Gerry show this week?" said Tommy my cat, as he sat bolt upright in an antique plastic Chippendale chair wearing a Donegall tweed three piece suit and a lovely pair of pink ballerina slippers. I got stuck into a big bowl of porridge, it's the only way I can get my oats these days and replied-merrily, "Don't you wonder about new revelations Kid, in time, Gerry will reveal the new revelations and the new revelations will be revealing and revolutionary." Tommy leaped-gracefully into the air in his Donegall tweed three piece suit, clicked his little pink ballerina slippers together and replied, "What a rhetorical and retrospective answer." In the silence that followed, I translated, "War and peace" into Ulster/Scots and Tommy drew a comprehensive ground plan of the ancient Mayan city of Ballygooglie, complete with round-a-bouts, off licences and public toilets."I wonder how jolly old Tubby is getting on on his hols?" said Tommy. "He hasn't gone for a swim, is all I know," I said. "Ah, you talk about the absence of tsunamis," said Tommy. "Got it in one my fine feathered friend," I replied. Tommy peeped into a mirror and said, "You know, I wouldn't mind a nose job." "Listen lad!" I yelled, "If I find thee wasting thy hard earned brass on cosmetic surgery, I'll give thee a nose job with my fist, so think on lad!" "I was only saying," said Tommy. "And I'm only saying, think on!" I roared. "If thee thinks that I'm going to stand idly by, while some butcher reshapes thee's hooter with a bread knife, then what I say to thee lad, is think on, think on, that's all I'm saying." "I was only saying," said Tommy. "And I was only saying, think on lad!" I yelled. "Eeh by gum lad, if thee gets thy hooter defaced, think on, that's all I'm saying, think on." "I am-thinking on," said Tommy. "Well think on a bit more lad," I roared. Suddenly, the radio burst into life and Lynda McCauley shrieked, "That's all for today, but don't forget to give me a she-ite tomorrow." And Tommy and I gathered round the radio, to find out what new revelations Gerry would reveal on the first show of the week.

All this and more have I seen from the studio of BBC Ulster, where a pale faced Donna Trainor was hiding in the corner and a red faced Noel Thompson was shouting to a white faced Mark Carruthers, "Jump a stile? Eeh thee couldn't jump a stile lad. Thee would be afraid of getting thy lad-de-da red socks dirty. Jump a stile? you lad?Not you, I would advise thee lad to, "Think on," that's what I say to thee young Carruthers, "Think on!"

"I will--think on by gum," whispered Mark. "In fact I'm looking forward to--thinking on."

12th of July on the 13th, can only mean that Christmas falls on Boxing Day this year. Eeh, I don't know.